Trauma is a Liar

TRIGGER ALERT: This post contains details about a traumatic event relating to sexual assault attempt.

Being a trauma survivor can feel like to walking through the world with broken glasses. ~ Dr. Brooklyn Chick.

On December 29, 1999, I was attacked outside my apartment in the Bronx by a 15-year-old serial rapist. It was a Wednesday. I don't remember the exact time, but I know it was getting dark, so it must have been in the evening.  

I felt his presence before I saw his face. My gut started tingling. A voice in my head said slow down. It kept repeating itself until I did. Then it said, "stop walking." So, I stopped and when I did, my would-be attacker walked right past me. I turned my head to the right for a brief second and we locked eyes.

I looked at the scrawny boy in front of me. My gut said something isn't right, but the Marine in me said, "he's a kid, you could take him." While I stood there trying to decide, the boy continued walking. He disappeared for a moment. The next time he reappeared was at the entrance of my apartment building. I was pulling my shopping cart up the front steps, and he was insisting on helping me, refusing to take no for an answer. 

When we got to the top of the stairs he just stood there. The voice in my head started screaming, "You need to leave now!" I turned towards my door and put my hand in my pocket, pretending I lost my keys. That's when he attacked. He came up behind me, pulled out a knife, and held it to my throat. His hands groped my body, he leaned into my ear, and said, "If you scream, I will cut you." He pressed the knife against my throat for emphasis.

I didn't want to die at my front door so I took a chance and tried to pry the knife from my throat. I felt the knife cut into my thumb as it connected with the blade. After a few moments, I was able to pry his arm from around my throat. In the process, I spun around and was once again facing my attacker. He turned and fled down the stairs.

In the weeks following the attacks, I continued to have a lot of trouble processing what happened to me. My trauma kept telling me the attack was my fault. It whispered lies like:

It’s because you were wearing fitted yoga pants

Why didn’t you leave work earlier?

What happened to those Marine Corps instincts?

It’s because he saw you as weak

Like other trauma survivors, I grappled with fear, guilt, and shame. I wondered, Why Me? Did I cause this to happen? Should I have fought back more?

Why Me?

This was not the first time I had been targeted by a predator. I wondered if I seemed like an easy target. My assault was not about me. As noted by https://www.rainn.org/ sexual assault affects everyone.

According to RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network):

• Every 68 seconds another American is sexually assaulted
• 1 out of every 6 American women has been the victim of an attempted or completed rape in her lifetime (14.8% completed, 2.8% attempted).
• About 3% of American men—or 1 in 33—have experienced an attempted or completed rape in their lifetime.

Did I cause this to happen?

After my attack, some people asked the same old stupid questions: What were you wearing? Why were you out by yourself? 

These are STUPID questions that show a very limited understanding of how rape and sexual assault work. Sexual violence is about power, not sex. 

• Children get raped
• Men get raped
• Elderly people get raped
• Nuns get raped
• Marines get raped

Should I have fought back more?

This question reared its ugly head almost immediately after my Bronx attack. Why didn't I reject his offer of assistance more firmly? Why didn't I yell at him when I noticed him following me into my building?

Here's the thing. We can't predict how our bodies will respond to a threat. It has three basic modes, Fight, Flight, Freeze, and all three modes have one basic purpose - survival. It doesn't matter which mode your body chooses in response to a threat. What matters is that you live. Survival is the ONLY thing that matters. Recovery is only possible if you survive. Don’t believe the lies trauma tells. You did nothing to deserve this. The guilt and shame rest solely with the attacker.  

Here is a cool video explaining why we sometimes freeze during a traumatic encounter:

The Body’s Adaptive Response to Trauma with Stephen Porges - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8WHqO6wCCEs

Here is a resource for anyone who has been a victim or knows someone who is a victim of SEXUAL ASSAULT - https://www.rainn.org/about-national-sexual-assault-telephone-hotline

This is a resource for anyone who is considering or knows someone who is considering SUICIDE - 

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/talk-to-someone-now/

Here is a link to FREE COUNSELING for Military service members and veterans - 

https://giveanhour.org/get-help/